Sublimal Messaging.

I had gained enlightenment on the train today.

I was standing there in the centre of the train carriage, with empty seats all around, with pen in hand, writing down ideas for the IHDC scripts. Then the automated voice thing that tells people not to leave their stuff on the train thing started playing.

You know, the one that goes something like "Please do not leave your belongings on the train" or something like that. Yeah, the one they play over and over and over again, like 10 times before you reach your destination, more if you travel further.

Then it hit me.

Like shit hitting a fan switched on at max speed.

The government is so damn smart. The only reason they have these stupid messages replayed on the trains is to prevent terrorism. Think about it, this is really just effing sublimal messaging. They're just going to drill the message into your brain simply by repeating it until every intonation, every slur, every accent, of every word of every sentence of every one of the major languages in Singapore is etched into the back of your cranium.

How does this prevent terrorism?

Simple.

The terrorist takes his bag off the train with him.

Backalleys.

For some inexplicable reason, I really need to retell the story of my journey through this backalley near my house.

I like to explore the new neighbourhood that I'm living in. Lots and lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars, the upper-crust of society rubbish. Funny thing is, I rarely see anyone at all. Just lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars. No one but maids in the houses, no drivers in the cars. Where do these people go? How come they spend so much on a fancy house and never seem to stay in it?

Alright, enough extravagence. And back to my story.

So I was exploring the new area, because I wanted to buy milk, and I needed to find a new way of getting to the shophouses without having to pass by my house first, because it really didn't make any sense to go home first.

So I landed up in this alley. Where the first thing I saw was a a white cat. That jumped 2 metres into a house. That was some mad shit. Then, stunned from the amazing flying cat, I didn't really see where I was walking. There were these fruits that had dropped on the ground there, and I was just going to step over them, when this gigantic insect flew into another house. It was as big as my palm. Which was very big indeed, considering the size of my palm. Yup, maybe the houses were built there for animals and insects to jump into them.

Okay. That's all.

To Zoe's Mum.

You're bullshit. You're a fucking piece of walking crap. If you gave your own daughter, no, wait, if you gave your family an easier time, maybe you wouldn't be the pile of turd that you are now.

Thank you for taking my breathe away.

life is not measured by the number of breathes we take,
but by the moments that take our breathe away.

~George Calin

I'm not about to give up, ever.

You told me this:

Love is not about being with the person physically all the time.
Love is when you keep the person in your heart. And take comfort in the fact that no matter what you do, there'll always be someone who will always love you and forgive you.
Love is when you know what the other person is going to say even before they say it.
Love is what brings you the greatest pains in life. And it is also the greatest joy.

Thank you. I understand it now.
I truly understand.

you're my greatest gift in life. I never meant to give us up. It'll never happen, trust me.
We'll go on. I love you so much it hurts. Yet the times i spent with you were the happiest. There's a comforting knowledge that you'll always be there for me, and you'll never leave me. i no longer doubt it. The thought soothes me, takes me away from the hell i'm living in, gives me hope. You give me love that no one has given me, not even my family. so i grew to become dependent on you, held on to you for dear life. For letting you go means that i will plunge into darkness, and i will become aimless in life again. I'm sorry i became over-reliant on you, i never meant to make you feel this way. I never was ready to stand on my own feet, all i got from my family was scoldings, screamings, shoutings, it is horrible. I never learnt. But now it is time for me to start from scratch, learn step-by-step to be independent. Now i actually have a goal to work towards, with you. I have to keep that in mind. No matter what happens, i will be here for you. I will learn to be a better person.


ps) i will start by getting a job. any job offers, anyone??

Patches, rough ones.

Nothing in this life or the next will bring you more pain than love.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they are liars.
Or they are still inexperienced in such matters.
Or the have been exquisitely fortunate in their choice of lovers.
So far

- Aki-no-hashi (1311)

I suppose every relationship has it's ups and downs. This would be one of the downs in ours. I hope it doesn't drag on for too long, but even if it does, I'll wait Zoe. I'll wait for you to get everything sorted out, I'll help you in any way I can. I will do anything for you. We can take all the time in the world to solve this problem, it doesn't matter. To me, the only important thing, is you.

I want you to be as happy as you could possibly. I know you say that you're only happy when you're with me, you always make me make your decisions, you don't want to decide on anything. Darling, isn't that being too over-reliant on me? I love you, I hope you know that, but loving you means that I want to see you become a better person, I want you to achieve all that you can. I cannot simply give you directions to everything in life, can I?

I wish I could dear, I really wish I could. But I don't have the means to support you yet, I don't even have the means to support myself. If you really want me to be with you all the time, then I'm going to have to leave this house, and take you away from yours. I promised you a better life, a comfortable one where money won't be such a big deal. I have to work hard for that future, and so do you. I promised to take you away from all the shit that you're going through now, but I can't do that now.

We can't be together all the time. We have to endure a couple more years of anguish and torment before we can stand on our own feet, holding hands and facing the world. A couple more years dear. What is a few more years to us? Eleven more days would mark our fifth month together, we've made it so far already sweetheart. Don't give up on us yet?

We can do it, five years is just eight more fifth months.

Haven't these five months gone by in a flash? I still remember our first time holding hands at the Junction 8's B1, just in front of the escalator. I still remember all the times we sat on the benches at the MRT platforms. I still remember our first kiss in the Esplanade glass elevator, the snuggling that we did before that as well dear. I remember all the poems I wrote for you, the songs that I've sang, the smiles that we've smiled, the food that we've eaten.

I love you, Zoe Lim Wanxuan.

You said that we would take things one step at a time. You said that we would work towards our future together. We've planned everything already dear, our first wedding, the kids, the second wedding, the honeymoon, the house, everything. All those hopes and aspirations that we have for the future, all our dreams, they won't go to waste. I'll make them a reality, no, WE'll make them a reality.

It doesn't matter even if I'm not by your side all the time, I know that I'll always be in your heart, no matter how deep down or how obscured by your doubts. Think of all the happy times that we've had and all the happy times we're going to have. Don't be sad, my beloved. There will come a time when we can be together, in the comfort of each other's arms, and not have to worry about anything.

Don't lose hope dear.

We both know, the day would come, but I don't want to leave you.

Notebooks.

I need a notebook.

Which is really wierd, seeing as how I have half a dozen of them strewn all over my ex-room with little less than a quarter of the pages used up. They come in all shapes, sizes and colours that would put most rainbows to shame.

But I get distracted far too easily.

I can almost never finish a notebook because of that. The only ones that are sufficiently filled up are the ones that Mervyn, Dexter, Nicol and the rest of the gang drew in. I still keep those books. They make me really happy.

I guess I need a notebook to document my life. Notebooks. Computers just don't cut it. Nothing beats a notebook when it comes to jotting down every minute detail of your life. Stuff that you would want everyone except your parents and teachers to see. Besides, notebooks are a lot lighter than stupid laptops.

I've had so much to blog about, but with PW and all that other stuff in my life, I've long forgotten what was it that I had thought of that interested me enough to expend my limited mental stamina on.

So I need a notebook. I hope I find one soon.

P.S. I love you, Zoe.

To all J2s!

Good luck for A levels! MUST jiayou! we are wishing you all the best, don't give up k! just press on and you'll get to your destination. loves!

* I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Thomas Alva Edison