to a friend i have never truly known.

perhaps it was all superficial.
perhaps you've never treated me as your friend.
so many insecurities of your own,
will never be known.
for you keep them in the deep dark abyss
of your heart.

why do you cast your friends away?

Chunky Monkey

I feel a great temptation to name all my blog posts after Ben & Jerry's ice creams.

Everything's going pretty well. My mum, dad and grandma are on talking terms again, so really, that just means that I get more ang pows. It also means that I get to go to a lot more places than I initially expected too. Which leads me back to the point about having more ang pows.

Ang pows are good, money is good. But being able to see my grandma again without having to lie to my parents is kinda morally uplifting. I think everyone's mood has generally been lifted because of this.

Why am I at home on this fine day when everyone is supposed to be out visiting other people for more ang pows? Because my mum is lazy to go visiting, and tells other people that we're visiting other people to so that she doesn't have to go visiting. All in all, it's working out pretty fine because we got compensated with a bigger ang pow from my parents, so yay.

I've got loads of plans on what to do with the ang pow money I've collected so far. i think it's wierd that people spend money on clothes before CNY because you only get the money after it. Of course, most people actually bother to save their cash so they can actually buy stuff, and so the ang pow money more than makes up for what they spend beforehand.

Oh well.

I want to buy new shoes. Because I signed up for the 100m sprint. I know I'm going to do pretty horribly, but hey, I'll cartwheel when I get to the end just for the fun of it. It's all in the name of fun isn't it? I'm in shot put too. Haha. I hope I do well in that. I think it's about time I started going to the gym again.

And I want to take up squash. So I'll need to get all the appropriate stuff as well. I just hope I'll have enough cash to left to buy whatever else I need. Maybe like new stationary or something. Haha.

Right, I want to get back to watching Nightwatch. It's really bloody. Happy Chinese New Year people.

Eat your face.

Couldn't think of any better title.

StAJe is taking up a lot of time, great deal of conflict here. Yes, I want the IHDC to turn out well, to be the biggest, grandest and most memorable event AJ will ever have, that's why I step in to help the houses with lighting cues, directorial advice, try to establish proper rapport between director and cast, be nice to the people and ask them if they need help. But YES, I want to have some time alone with Zoe.

Oh well, guess life's like that most of the time.

I spend a great deal of time thinking about the world that Zoe and I will eventually have to live in. And my imagination tells me that it's going to suck so bad you won't want to have any children because you want to spare them the agonizing pain of having to live in a world where everyone wants to be beautiful but fail to be, and sink into condescending abyssmal pits of depression. So bad it makes you want to cut your genitals off.

Sometimes I wonder if a society like the one in Brave New World is better then what we go through. Here you have a world where everyone exploits everyone for something and feel good about it. You have an ever-increasing income gap, a global divide between the non-existant classes that we didn't get segregated into because we're civilised, and lots and lots of justified violence. It's different for the folks in BNW. Yes, you're "exploited" but the great thing is that you don't have a clue that you are. Even the people "exploiting" you don't know what they're doing.

Ignorance is bliss eh?

Anywhos, Valentine's Day is coming and I haven't bought anything for anyone yet. I'm going to have to do like last minute shopping real soon. I think it's sad that I know so many people, but I don't have things to give them. It's a lot easier for me not to give the guys anything, because, well, it's awkward and they'll understand anyway. Thinking of something special to do for Zoe is the real braincell killer.

How do you even begin to express undying affection and everlasting love in the span of one day? Do we really need a stupid day that got relabelled as "Friendship Day" to tell someone that we love them? Crockpots. The whole thing is just a bloody show about who's the better boyfriend. Bloody because you're going to get butchered if you don't perform on that day. Who says men are in charge?

Oh well. We have StAJe on that day. Talk about bummer. Let's see who skips that day alright?

P. S. I booked the BBQ pit at my house for the 10th of March for a StAJe thing. Whoever reads this, please pass the message.

rawr. i feel like rawring.

i guess nobody's been reading our blog since we didn't really update that often. well, it's not that we don't have anything to say, it's just no time. stAJe's taking up pretty much time, with us staying back after school like everyday. IHDC: monday, tuesday, thursday. stAJe: wednesday and friday. i'm pretty glad that we had a break, no stAJe for today:) not that i don't like going for cca, i love it. i love just being with the stAJers and just be crazy. it's a time when i can really be crazy and nobody would judge me for it. i can hop around and sing at the top of my lungs and nobody would mind. and then there's ding feng who goes around taking offensive photos of raktim. haha. i shan't elaborate.

school's been very busy, on top of that, i still have to work on weekends. i enjoy going to work. it takes me away from the everyday school life. it's when i can relax and face the world and the people it brings to me. i see many people at the place i work at, albeit rich and very rich ones. they often come into the shop with Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton paper bags hanging on their arms. most of them are foreigners, and they're a friendly bunch of people. singaporeans really can't be compared to them, being more reserved and they probably feel weird when greeted by someone they don't know. but yea, i really enjoy going to work, and being in a nice environment with nice people helps. my colleaques are fabulous people, they are simply so endearing. and i can tell it's genuine because they go all out to help someone. haha, going to work this weekend and i'm looking forward to it. take me away from all the studying...

tata everyone, i've blabbed enough to last for a while. momo and i are doing great!:) it's valentine's next wednesday!! i love you lots momo.
ＨＡＰＰＹ　ＶＡＬＥＮＴＩＮＥ＇Ｓ　ＴＯ ＡＬＬ　ＣＯＵＰＬＥＳ :)

Yup.

It's been a really long time since my last post.

Really really really long time.

Can't say I've been busy, "lazy" would be a better word. I was busy with preparing the IHDC scripts, was anyway, but that was a pretty long time ago. Then again, I never really was busy with the scripts up till the last few days before I had to submit them. Other than that, I don't think I've been plagued by any major deterrent from blogging.

School's been pretty fine, I guess. I won't go into details about everything that's happened and all that. Too many things I suppose. A lot of friction and stuff like that, normally everything turns out fine on the surface. But sometimes Life can be like a condom that you didn't put on properly. Looks fine on the outside, but there's an air bubble waiting to make you a daddy. I'm getting tired of a lot of things (excluding Zoe), it's one of those times when you feel like everything that you do just ain't worth it, like when all your intentions mean well but you screw up somewhere along the way and screw everything up.

My life is full of those times. Miraculously, these things sort themselves out a lot for some inexplicable reason. I can't run with this mentality for much longer I suppose, I keep wondering when this lucky wave of everyone-else-except-me-seems-to-forget-itis.

I wish I could just say that I don't want to here your sad, soppy stories about this and that and everything in between, I can't be bothered to help you make a decision on whether or not your head should be fried in chip batter, or I'm just too tired to have to entertain all your mood swings. But I can't. Why do I bother to step into everything, when everything is, more often than not, a big pile of prehistoric dinosaur shit?

Oh well.

I guess that's just the way life is. Way to go with lame excuses for all the misfortunes in my life eh? Happy welcome back post to me.

BBQ Business.

Alright, here's everything you need to know about the BBQ.

This is what I'm getting from www.bbqwholesale.com:

100 sticks of chicken satay
20 chicken chops
20 stingrays

And this is what my mum has got already:

2 bottles of Sprite Ice (someone get vodka)
30 cans of Coke
4 6-packs of packet drinks
2 bottles of syrup (one's grape and the other's lemon tea)
Sausages
Chipolatas
Chicken Curry
1 Pork Rib
2 packs of chicken wings
All the paper plates and other rubbish
Charcoal

Just bring 5 bucks alright guys? If you don't, I'll have to tear your underwear and then smear butter along your asscrack.

Someone has to get the alcohol, just let me know who's interested. And the ice as well. Petrol kiosks are outside, can get them on the way in.

Please confirm with me ASAP if you can make it on friday so I can order less or something. And bring extra clothing okay? Swimming or not, you're probably going to get wet. I'll leave the option to stayover at my place open to those who don't mind having to sleep on the floor.

Okay, my parents won't be home till LATE, dad's got some ranger course on, mum's got a dinner to attend. We'll have to lower the volume on our thing after 10 so that no one can complain. Pool's lights and pump get turned off after 10, but the security guard told me that it's fine to go swimming at that time, he'll close an eye for me as long as we don't make too much noise.

Here's the address to my place:

SOMEONE REALLY SMART SAID NOT TO PUT IT ONLINE SO I WON'T.

As for how to get there, well, this is going to hard on you guys.

Okay, take the train down to Tanah Merah and then alight and cross the road via the underpass to take bus no. 2. You'll know when you're reaching when you see the Japanese school, you can't miss it. It says "The Japanese School" on the gate. One stop after you should see the condo, and another stop later you'll see a Esso kiosk.

From there turn into Mariam Walk/Drive/Lane, and walk all the way down till you see the main gate to Edelweiss Park. You can't miss that either, it says "Edelweiss Park Condominium" on this wall thing. There's a temple opposite and a playground before that. If you can't seem to find those, just take a cab.

You guys can come real early if you want to, and bring 50 cent coins if you want to play Pool, cos that's how much one game costs.

Bring 5 bucks and extra clothing too.

Give me SMS confirmations on your attendance yeah?

Soon.

Thanks people, I really hope to see all of you there.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

I think the security guards here are really really nice people to talk to. And I kinda pity them, seeing as how they'll have to watch over five hundred and seventy (yes, I spelt this out for emphasis) units come next year. There are only a hundred occupied right now, and managing the clubhouse alone is tough shit already. I'd really hate to them one of them next year.



Anywhos, I had a really good chat with one particular security guard two days back. I think we started talking when he told me that he didn't think my mum would be coming down to the gym because her chinese drama serial was starting. I know how wierd that sounds. Then I asked him if he had dinner, just the usual polite banter and such, and then we got into a real conversation.



What is a real conversation? Like how many people can actually find time to have one with someone you've only known for what? Five minutes? Five minutes, all you know about someone is how good their first impression was on you, no bias of character, no knowledge of all the dark, shameful deeds that you've swept under your rug.



It was a really good conversation. Damn, I can't stop typing conservation, even though PW is long over.



We talked about how to lose weight. Wow. Then we talked about how to get my parents to cut some slack on the chain wrapped around my neck. Then we talked about life in general. He was telling me about everything that I would eventually face in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, hence the title for this post. Everything I would face next year for the As, everything I would face in the army, everything I would face in Uni and beyond.



He was telling me to treat life like a chess game, to make every move with consideration of what came before, what's going to come, and another two more steps ahead. He also quoted Shakespeare ("All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."), and told me that we each had our own roles to play in life.



He told me know people would get you to do things you already know are bad for you, like smoking and drugs, how they'd say that you were a coward and many other things. He said that heroes always die first, so they can be their own heroes. He told me how strong I had to be mentally to resist all these things, to not be affected by them.



He said that life goes on no matter what happens, and we should all just do our best to accept it and to roll with the punches. He told me that he liked to make friends from all age groups, because like in making curry, you needed both fresh and old ingredients.



I felt really bummed when I had to leave, but legs were killing me after the half and hour on the elliptical.



I'm going to keep this post here for a while, because I think it means a lot. Goes to show how much you can learn from a security guard eh?

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Sublimal Messaging.

I had gained enlightenment on the train today.

I was standing there in the centre of the train carriage, with empty seats all around, with pen in hand, writing down ideas for the IHDC scripts. Then the automated voice thing that tells people not to leave their stuff on the train thing started playing.

You know, the one that goes something like "Please do not leave your belongings on the train" or something like that. Yeah, the one they play over and over and over again, like 10 times before you reach your destination, more if you travel further.

Then it hit me.

Like shit hitting a fan switched on at max speed.

The government is so damn smart. The only reason they have these stupid messages replayed on the trains is to prevent terrorism. Think about it, this is really just effing sublimal messaging. They're just going to drill the message into your brain simply by repeating it until every intonation, every slur, every accent, of every word of every sentence of every one of the major languages in Singapore is etched into the back of your cranium.

How does this prevent terrorism?

Simple.

The terrorist takes his bag off the train with him.

Backalleys.

For some inexplicable reason, I really need to retell the story of my journey through this backalley near my house.

I like to explore the new neighbourhood that I'm living in. Lots and lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars, the upper-crust of society rubbish. Funny thing is, I rarely see anyone at all. Just lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars. No one but maids in the houses, no drivers in the cars. Where do these people go? How come they spend so much on a fancy house and never seem to stay in it?

Alright, enough extravagence. And back to my story.

So I was exploring the new area, because I wanted to buy milk, and I needed to find a new way of getting to the shophouses without having to pass by my house first, because it really didn't make any sense to go home first.

So I landed up in this alley. Where the first thing I saw was a a white cat. That jumped 2 metres into a house. That was some mad shit. Then, stunned from the amazing flying cat, I didn't really see where I was walking. There were these fruits that had dropped on the ground there, and I was just going to step over them, when this gigantic insect flew into another house. It was as big as my palm. Which was very big indeed, considering the size of my palm. Yup, maybe the houses were built there for animals and insects to jump into them.

Okay. That's all.

To Zoe's Mum.

You're bullshit. You're a fucking piece of walking crap. If you gave your own daughter, no, wait, if you gave your family an easier time, maybe you wouldn't be the pile of turd that you are now.

Thank you for taking my breathe away.

life is not measured by the number of breathes we take,
but by the moments that take our breathe away.

~George Calin

I'm not about to give up, ever.

You told me this:

Love is not about being with the person physically all the time.
Love is when you keep the person in your heart. And take comfort in the fact that no matter what you do, there'll always be someone who will always love you and forgive you.
Love is when you know what the other person is going to say even before they say it.
Love is what brings you the greatest pains in life. And it is also the greatest joy.

Thank you. I understand it now.
I truly understand.

you're my greatest gift in life. I never meant to give us up. It'll never happen, trust me.
We'll go on. I love you so much it hurts. Yet the times i spent with you were the happiest. There's a comforting knowledge that you'll always be there for me, and you'll never leave me. i no longer doubt it. The thought soothes me, takes me away from the hell i'm living in, gives me hope. You give me love that no one has given me, not even my family. so i grew to become dependent on you, held on to you for dear life. For letting you go means that i will plunge into darkness, and i will become aimless in life again. I'm sorry i became over-reliant on you, i never meant to make you feel this way. I never was ready to stand on my own feet, all i got from my family was scoldings, screamings, shoutings, it is horrible. I never learnt. But now it is time for me to start from scratch, learn step-by-step to be independent. Now i actually have a goal to work towards, with you. I have to keep that in mind. No matter what happens, i will be here for you. I will learn to be a better person.


ps) i will start by getting a job. any job offers, anyone??

Patches, rough ones.

Nothing in this life or the next will bring you more pain than love.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they are liars.
Or they are still inexperienced in such matters.
Or the have been exquisitely fortunate in their choice of lovers.
So far

- Aki-no-hashi (1311)

I suppose every relationship has it's ups and downs. This would be one of the downs in ours. I hope it doesn't drag on for too long, but even if it does, I'll wait Zoe. I'll wait for you to get everything sorted out, I'll help you in any way I can. I will do anything for you. We can take all the time in the world to solve this problem, it doesn't matter. To me, the only important thing, is you.

I want you to be as happy as you could possibly. I know you say that you're only happy when you're with me, you always make me make your decisions, you don't want to decide on anything. Darling, isn't that being too over-reliant on me? I love you, I hope you know that, but loving you means that I want to see you become a better person, I want you to achieve all that you can. I cannot simply give you directions to everything in life, can I?

I wish I could dear, I really wish I could. But I don't have the means to support you yet, I don't even have the means to support myself. If you really want me to be with you all the time, then I'm going to have to leave this house, and take you away from yours. I promised you a better life, a comfortable one where money won't be such a big deal. I have to work hard for that future, and so do you. I promised to take you away from all the shit that you're going through now, but I can't do that now.

We can't be together all the time. We have to endure a couple more years of anguish and torment before we can stand on our own feet, holding hands and facing the world. A couple more years dear. What is a few more years to us? Eleven more days would mark our fifth month together, we've made it so far already sweetheart. Don't give up on us yet?

We can do it, five years is just eight more fifth months.

Haven't these five months gone by in a flash? I still remember our first time holding hands at the Junction 8's B1, just in front of the escalator. I still remember all the times we sat on the benches at the MRT platforms. I still remember our first kiss in the Esplanade glass elevator, the snuggling that we did before that as well dear. I remember all the poems I wrote for you, the songs that I've sang, the smiles that we've smiled, the food that we've eaten.

I love you, Zoe Lim Wanxuan.

You said that we would take things one step at a time. You said that we would work towards our future together. We've planned everything already dear, our first wedding, the kids, the second wedding, the honeymoon, the house, everything. All those hopes and aspirations that we have for the future, all our dreams, they won't go to waste. I'll make them a reality, no, WE'll make them a reality.

It doesn't matter even if I'm not by your side all the time, I know that I'll always be in your heart, no matter how deep down or how obscured by your doubts. Think of all the happy times that we've had and all the happy times we're going to have. Don't be sad, my beloved. There will come a time when we can be together, in the comfort of each other's arms, and not have to worry about anything.

Don't lose hope dear.

We both know, the day would come, but I don't want to leave you.

Notebooks.

I need a notebook.

Which is really wierd, seeing as how I have half a dozen of them strewn all over my ex-room with little less than a quarter of the pages used up. They come in all shapes, sizes and colours that would put most rainbows to shame.

But I get distracted far too easily.

I can almost never finish a notebook because of that. The only ones that are sufficiently filled up are the ones that Mervyn, Dexter, Nicol and the rest of the gang drew in. I still keep those books. They make me really happy.

I guess I need a notebook to document my life. Notebooks. Computers just don't cut it. Nothing beats a notebook when it comes to jotting down every minute detail of your life. Stuff that you would want everyone except your parents and teachers to see. Besides, notebooks are a lot lighter than stupid laptops.

I've had so much to blog about, but with PW and all that other stuff in my life, I've long forgotten what was it that I had thought of that interested me enough to expend my limited mental stamina on.

So I need a notebook. I hope I find one soon.

P.S. I love you, Zoe.

To all J2s!

Good luck for A levels! MUST jiayou! we are wishing you all the best, don't give up k! just press on and you'll get to your destination. loves!

* I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Thomas Alva Edison

yoga: link your mind, body and soul

momo and i signed up for yoga lessons! (well, it was more like my enthusiasm led to momo's obligations to join with me. haha:)

so last thursday, we went to selegie house in little india. no, it's not some hotel or what. it's not anywhere sleazy. well.. at first, we did end up in some sleazy and dark shopping mall called selegie centre cuz we got confused with selegie house and selegie centre. all i can remember is that there is a marriage agency in the highest level. and then there was this male shop owner who was giving us a weird look. hmmm... haha..

then we found out that selegie house is actually a few blocks of flats, and the yoga centre is at the bottom level. apparently, the yoga centre is made up of units of flats. the interior was well decorated and the dim orange lightings gave the place a nice ambience. if i'm not wrong, there were candles around too. the first thing we had to do was to take our shoes off and place them on shelves at the door. then we were led upstairs and we were relieved to see ms tay and other AJ students.

breathing exercises. inhale, exhale. some of us nearly fell alseep cuz we got so comfortable!
then we chanted. sort of sang a song in sanskrit. this was the part that i didn't like it. it almost seemed like a religion to me. the instrutor said we thank the sun for giving us light and therefore life to us and we had to press our palms together in a prayer like action. i didn't really follow his chants.

then we got started to do sun salutations (a), surya namaska. we had to move our bodies this way and that and i remember there's this pose called 'downward facing dog'. no kidding. of course it has its name in sanskrit, but there's no way we could remember that.

we felt so relaxed after the session and it sort of made us more aware of our postures, whether our back is straight upright or hunched. and that was only the first lesson. i look forward to the next 7 lessons and hope they will help me to stay fit and improve my postures. :) everyone should try yoga, it's more than just sitting there and trying to hold the note 'ohhmm...' as long as you can. haha.. :)

ps: people fart when they do yoga. it's perfectly normal.

Why is my computer screen so dusty?

Here I am, in my spangly new red, black and white room.

Actually, I'm in school, thinking of what to write, and talking to my increasingly vulgar friend from back in CatHOLIC High. But just pretend that I'm in my room.

The new place is really cool at night, the lighting from the pool, the street lamps that line the pavement, the ball fountain thing, the silhoutte of the trees in the distance, all that really poetic stuff. Maybe I'll write a poem about it when I'm free and have absolutely nothing to do, or when I can't get to sleep at night and need an alternative to watching really crappy late night shows.

The house itself is kinda nice, the lighting fixtures, the TV consoles, the kitchen, and the bedrooms are looking very good. The soft, warm lighting of my brother's and parent's rooms give the place a very homely feel. Not exactly homely, erm, more like the rooms in the Changi Aloha Beach Resort.

And my room.

I like my room a whole lot. It's red, black, and matches my new shoes and bag. Even though it's small, everything that I've bought fits really snugly in it. The walls are pretty sparse at the moment because I have to shelving up yet. After everything is finally settled then I'll probably have to go down to Ikea again to get more stuff.

I have two of the same chairs in my room. Which is extremely stupid and I really don't like it because it's stupid. But because my mum bought three really big, high back chairs for all of us, it can't fit into my parent's room and so it's now stuck in the corner of my room reserved for my bean bag chair.

I hope it's not permanent, or I'll be forced to set it on fire.

Aside from that small hiccough, everything else is pretty okay. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.


My wall-mounted Samsung TV.

This is my TV. It supplants me with all sorts of late night bullshit. Local channels get really stupid at night which is probably the only time I'll watch tv in my room, which really sucks because it makes my television kinda redundant.


My closet and window.

You can see a bit of the black wall there. My closet is really pretty, being white and all, but I'm not going to go to near it again until I air it sufficiently. The last time I opened a drawer, this really putrid stench came out and made my eyes tear. The blinds are black too.


My desk.

This here is my desk, along with my laptop on it. As you can see, it's bare. There's almost nothing on it. People should buy me stuff to decorate it with.


My bed. Yay.

My bed, my glorious red and black bed. You can't make out the head board in the picture because camera resolution sucks bad at night and if you're only using your handphone to take it. In the other corner is my makeshift bedside table (it got replaced by the second chair afterwards). It's where my BEAN BAG CHAIR should be. I wish I had a decent camera to take more photos, but I don't, so this is the last one for now.

Oh, and if you didn't know. I like red and black.

5 reasons why we're not the Yishun couple.

1. Zoe does NOT wear a hair band.

2. Zoe takes 806 or 804, not 800.

3. I haven't been to Yishun this week.

4. Zoe is EXTREMELY cautious in Yishun, because we already bumped into her neighbour once.

5. We're not THAT stupid.


There. Proof. Unless your suggesting some form of infidelity or adultery or whatever, in which case I'll be forced you rip out your intestines and feed them to you.

You are beautiful, Zoe. =]

I will follow you into the Dark.

Promos suck.

The whole examination system here sucks.

Why the fuck is so much emphasis placed on studies? What about people? What about the present? Has anyone tried living in the present before? Without care or concern for what has happened or what's to come? Why can't we just enjoy what we have now?

Why does the education system force us to focus on books rather than on people? People are so much more important (and interesting). Everywhere others are saying to be thankful for what you have, to "live" in the present, to enjoy it. Then they tell us that we have to work hard for a brighter future that might be obliterated by guns, bombs and flying spaghetti monsters.

We put so much hope and promise in the future, but about the present? Isn't the present yesterday's future? When do we really get the chance to sit down, relax and enjoy ourselves? If every future is going to be just another present, what when will the future come? How can you expect to enjoy yourself when all you're really doing is working towards the future?

This world doesn't make any sense at all.

Studies. We're studying for that future. Sure, some people are naturally smart. Not all of us can claim to be prodigies. This education system forces students to study hard enough to become pseudo-prodigies. All you memorise is word after word after word. In between those words you get smatterings of friend's birthdays, family gatherings and all other things that only seem to be taking you further away from your future/present/whatever.

Screw you education system.

In this sense, Death Note is really ironic. You have a note book. And it takes the lives of people.

But I'm prepared to retain. Even if they don't relax on the promotion criteria, I don't mind repeating the year. My mum is just going to have to live with the scar of having a retainee for a son.

I will follow you into the dark, Zoe. No matter what you may want to do. I'll stand by you.