The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

I think the security guards here are really really nice people to talk to. And I kinda pity them, seeing as how they'll have to watch over five hundred and seventy (yes, I spelt this out for emphasis) units come next year. There are only a hundred occupied right now, and managing the clubhouse alone is tough shit already. I'd really hate to them one of them next year.



Anywhos, I had a really good chat with one particular security guard two days back. I think we started talking when he told me that he didn't think my mum would be coming down to the gym because her chinese drama serial was starting. I know how wierd that sounds. Then I asked him if he had dinner, just the usual polite banter and such, and then we got into a real conversation.



What is a real conversation? Like how many people can actually find time to have one with someone you've only known for what? Five minutes? Five minutes, all you know about someone is how good their first impression was on you, no bias of character, no knowledge of all the dark, shameful deeds that you've swept under your rug.



It was a really good conversation. Damn, I can't stop typing conservation, even though PW is long over.



We talked about how to lose weight. Wow. Then we talked about how to get my parents to cut some slack on the chain wrapped around my neck. Then we talked about life in general. He was telling me about everything that I would eventually face in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, hence the title for this post. Everything I would face next year for the As, everything I would face in the army, everything I would face in Uni and beyond.



He was telling me to treat life like a chess game, to make every move with consideration of what came before, what's going to come, and another two more steps ahead. He also quoted Shakespeare ("All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."), and told me that we each had our own roles to play in life.



He told me know people would get you to do things you already know are bad for you, like smoking and drugs, how they'd say that you were a coward and many other things. He said that heroes always die first, so they can be their own heroes. He told me how strong I had to be mentally to resist all these things, to not be affected by them.



He said that life goes on no matter what happens, and we should all just do our best to accept it and to roll with the punches. He told me that he liked to make friends from all age groups, because like in making curry, you needed both fresh and old ingredients.



I felt really bummed when I had to leave, but legs were killing me after the half and hour on the elliptical.



I'm going to keep this post here for a while, because I think it means a lot. Goes to show how much you can learn from a security guard eh?

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Sublimal Messaging.

I had gained enlightenment on the train today.

I was standing there in the centre of the train carriage, with empty seats all around, with pen in hand, writing down ideas for the IHDC scripts. Then the automated voice thing that tells people not to leave their stuff on the train thing started playing.

You know, the one that goes something like "Please do not leave your belongings on the train" or something like that. Yeah, the one they play over and over and over again, like 10 times before you reach your destination, more if you travel further.

Then it hit me.

Like shit hitting a fan switched on at max speed.

The government is so damn smart. The only reason they have these stupid messages replayed on the trains is to prevent terrorism. Think about it, this is really just effing sublimal messaging. They're just going to drill the message into your brain simply by repeating it until every intonation, every slur, every accent, of every word of every sentence of every one of the major languages in Singapore is etched into the back of your cranium.

How does this prevent terrorism?

Simple.

The terrorist takes his bag off the train with him.

Backalleys.

For some inexplicable reason, I really need to retell the story of my journey through this backalley near my house.

I like to explore the new neighbourhood that I'm living in. Lots and lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars, the upper-crust of society rubbish. Funny thing is, I rarely see anyone at all. Just lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars. No one but maids in the houses, no drivers in the cars. Where do these people go? How come they spend so much on a fancy house and never seem to stay in it?

Alright, enough extravagence. And back to my story.

So I was exploring the new area, because I wanted to buy milk, and I needed to find a new way of getting to the shophouses without having to pass by my house first, because it really didn't make any sense to go home first.

So I landed up in this alley. Where the first thing I saw was a a white cat. That jumped 2 metres into a house. That was some mad shit. Then, stunned from the amazing flying cat, I didn't really see where I was walking. There were these fruits that had dropped on the ground there, and I was just going to step over them, when this gigantic insect flew into another house. It was as big as my palm. Which was very big indeed, considering the size of my palm. Yup, maybe the houses were built there for animals and insects to jump into them.

Okay. That's all.

To Zoe's Mum.

You're bullshit. You're a fucking piece of walking crap. If you gave your own daughter, no, wait, if you gave your family an easier time, maybe you wouldn't be the pile of turd that you are now.

Thank you for taking my breathe away.

life is not measured by the number of breathes we take,
but by the moments that take our breathe away.

~George Calin

I'm not about to give up, ever.

You told me this:

Love is not about being with the person physically all the time.
Love is when you keep the person in your heart. And take comfort in the fact that no matter what you do, there'll always be someone who will always love you and forgive you.
Love is when you know what the other person is going to say even before they say it.
Love is what brings you the greatest pains in life. And it is also the greatest joy.

Thank you. I understand it now.
I truly understand.

you're my greatest gift in life. I never meant to give us up. It'll never happen, trust me.
We'll go on. I love you so much it hurts. Yet the times i spent with you were the happiest. There's a comforting knowledge that you'll always be there for me, and you'll never leave me. i no longer doubt it. The thought soothes me, takes me away from the hell i'm living in, gives me hope. You give me love that no one has given me, not even my family. so i grew to become dependent on you, held on to you for dear life. For letting you go means that i will plunge into darkness, and i will become aimless in life again. I'm sorry i became over-reliant on you, i never meant to make you feel this way. I never was ready to stand on my own feet, all i got from my family was scoldings, screamings, shoutings, it is horrible. I never learnt. But now it is time for me to start from scratch, learn step-by-step to be independent. Now i actually have a goal to work towards, with you. I have to keep that in mind. No matter what happens, i will be here for you. I will learn to be a better person.


ps) i will start by getting a job. any job offers, anyone??

Patches, rough ones.

Nothing in this life or the next will bring you more pain than love.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they are liars.
Or they are still inexperienced in such matters.
Or the have been exquisitely fortunate in their choice of lovers.
So far

- Aki-no-hashi (1311)

I suppose every relationship has it's ups and downs. This would be one of the downs in ours. I hope it doesn't drag on for too long, but even if it does, I'll wait Zoe. I'll wait for you to get everything sorted out, I'll help you in any way I can. I will do anything for you. We can take all the time in the world to solve this problem, it doesn't matter. To me, the only important thing, is you.

I want you to be as happy as you could possibly. I know you say that you're only happy when you're with me, you always make me make your decisions, you don't want to decide on anything. Darling, isn't that being too over-reliant on me? I love you, I hope you know that, but loving you means that I want to see you become a better person, I want you to achieve all that you can. I cannot simply give you directions to everything in life, can I?

I wish I could dear, I really wish I could. But I don't have the means to support you yet, I don't even have the means to support myself. If you really want me to be with you all the time, then I'm going to have to leave this house, and take you away from yours. I promised you a better life, a comfortable one where money won't be such a big deal. I have to work hard for that future, and so do you. I promised to take you away from all the shit that you're going through now, but I can't do that now.

We can't be together all the time. We have to endure a couple more years of anguish and torment before we can stand on our own feet, holding hands and facing the world. A couple more years dear. What is a few more years to us? Eleven more days would mark our fifth month together, we've made it so far already sweetheart. Don't give up on us yet?

We can do it, five years is just eight more fifth months.

Haven't these five months gone by in a flash? I still remember our first time holding hands at the Junction 8's B1, just in front of the escalator. I still remember all the times we sat on the benches at the MRT platforms. I still remember our first kiss in the Esplanade glass elevator, the snuggling that we did before that as well dear. I remember all the poems I wrote for you, the songs that I've sang, the smiles that we've smiled, the food that we've eaten.

I love you, Zoe Lim Wanxuan.

You said that we would take things one step at a time. You said that we would work towards our future together. We've planned everything already dear, our first wedding, the kids, the second wedding, the honeymoon, the house, everything. All those hopes and aspirations that we have for the future, all our dreams, they won't go to waste. I'll make them a reality, no, WE'll make them a reality.

It doesn't matter even if I'm not by your side all the time, I know that I'll always be in your heart, no matter how deep down or how obscured by your doubts. Think of all the happy times that we've had and all the happy times we're going to have. Don't be sad, my beloved. There will come a time when we can be together, in the comfort of each other's arms, and not have to worry about anything.

Don't lose hope dear.

We both know, the day would come, but I don't want to leave you.

Notebooks.

I need a notebook.

Which is really wierd, seeing as how I have half a dozen of them strewn all over my ex-room with little less than a quarter of the pages used up. They come in all shapes, sizes and colours that would put most rainbows to shame.

But I get distracted far too easily.

I can almost never finish a notebook because of that. The only ones that are sufficiently filled up are the ones that Mervyn, Dexter, Nicol and the rest of the gang drew in. I still keep those books. They make me really happy.

I guess I need a notebook to document my life. Notebooks. Computers just don't cut it. Nothing beats a notebook when it comes to jotting down every minute detail of your life. Stuff that you would want everyone except your parents and teachers to see. Besides, notebooks are a lot lighter than stupid laptops.

I've had so much to blog about, but with PW and all that other stuff in my life, I've long forgotten what was it that I had thought of that interested me enough to expend my limited mental stamina on.

So I need a notebook. I hope I find one soon.

P.S. I love you, Zoe.

To all J2s!

Good luck for A levels! MUST jiayou! we are wishing you all the best, don't give up k! just press on and you'll get to your destination. loves!

* I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Thomas Alva Edison

yoga: link your mind, body and soul

momo and i signed up for yoga lessons! (well, it was more like my enthusiasm led to momo's obligations to join with me. haha:)

so last thursday, we went to selegie house in little india. no, it's not some hotel or what. it's not anywhere sleazy. well.. at first, we did end up in some sleazy and dark shopping mall called selegie centre cuz we got confused with selegie house and selegie centre. all i can remember is that there is a marriage agency in the highest level. and then there was this male shop owner who was giving us a weird look. hmmm... haha..

then we found out that selegie house is actually a few blocks of flats, and the yoga centre is at the bottom level. apparently, the yoga centre is made up of units of flats. the interior was well decorated and the dim orange lightings gave the place a nice ambience. if i'm not wrong, there were candles around too. the first thing we had to do was to take our shoes off and place them on shelves at the door. then we were led upstairs and we were relieved to see ms tay and other AJ students.

breathing exercises. inhale, exhale. some of us nearly fell alseep cuz we got so comfortable!
then we chanted. sort of sang a song in sanskrit. this was the part that i didn't like it. it almost seemed like a religion to me. the instrutor said we thank the sun for giving us light and therefore life to us and we had to press our palms together in a prayer like action. i didn't really follow his chants.

then we got started to do sun salutations (a), surya namaska. we had to move our bodies this way and that and i remember there's this pose called 'downward facing dog'. no kidding. of course it has its name in sanskrit, but there's no way we could remember that.

we felt so relaxed after the session and it sort of made us more aware of our postures, whether our back is straight upright or hunched. and that was only the first lesson. i look forward to the next 7 lessons and hope they will help me to stay fit and improve my postures. :) everyone should try yoga, it's more than just sitting there and trying to hold the note 'ohhmm...' as long as you can. haha.. :)

ps: people fart when they do yoga. it's perfectly normal.

Why is my computer screen so dusty?

Here I am, in my spangly new red, black and white room.

Actually, I'm in school, thinking of what to write, and talking to my increasingly vulgar friend from back in CatHOLIC High. But just pretend that I'm in my room.

The new place is really cool at night, the lighting from the pool, the street lamps that line the pavement, the ball fountain thing, the silhoutte of the trees in the distance, all that really poetic stuff. Maybe I'll write a poem about it when I'm free and have absolutely nothing to do, or when I can't get to sleep at night and need an alternative to watching really crappy late night shows.

The house itself is kinda nice, the lighting fixtures, the TV consoles, the kitchen, and the bedrooms are looking very good. The soft, warm lighting of my brother's and parent's rooms give the place a very homely feel. Not exactly homely, erm, more like the rooms in the Changi Aloha Beach Resort.

And my room.

I like my room a whole lot. It's red, black, and matches my new shoes and bag. Even though it's small, everything that I've bought fits really snugly in it. The walls are pretty sparse at the moment because I have to shelving up yet. After everything is finally settled then I'll probably have to go down to Ikea again to get more stuff.

I have two of the same chairs in my room. Which is extremely stupid and I really don't like it because it's stupid. But because my mum bought three really big, high back chairs for all of us, it can't fit into my parent's room and so it's now stuck in the corner of my room reserved for my bean bag chair.

I hope it's not permanent, or I'll be forced to set it on fire.

Aside from that small hiccough, everything else is pretty okay. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.


My wall-mounted Samsung TV.

This is my TV. It supplants me with all sorts of late night bullshit. Local channels get really stupid at night which is probably the only time I'll watch tv in my room, which really sucks because it makes my television kinda redundant.


My closet and window.

You can see a bit of the black wall there. My closet is really pretty, being white and all, but I'm not going to go to near it again until I air it sufficiently. The last time I opened a drawer, this really putrid stench came out and made my eyes tear. The blinds are black too.


My desk.

This here is my desk, along with my laptop on it. As you can see, it's bare. There's almost nothing on it. People should buy me stuff to decorate it with.


My bed. Yay.

My bed, my glorious red and black bed. You can't make out the head board in the picture because camera resolution sucks bad at night and if you're only using your handphone to take it. In the other corner is my makeshift bedside table (it got replaced by the second chair afterwards). It's where my BEAN BAG CHAIR should be. I wish I had a decent camera to take more photos, but I don't, so this is the last one for now.

Oh, and if you didn't know. I like red and black.

5 reasons why we're not the Yishun couple.

1. Zoe does NOT wear a hair band.

2. Zoe takes 806 or 804, not 800.

3. I haven't been to Yishun this week.

4. Zoe is EXTREMELY cautious in Yishun, because we already bumped into her neighbour once.

5. We're not THAT stupid.


There. Proof. Unless your suggesting some form of infidelity or adultery or whatever, in which case I'll be forced you rip out your intestines and feed them to you.

You are beautiful, Zoe. =]

I will follow you into the Dark.

Promos suck.

The whole examination system here sucks.

Why the fuck is so much emphasis placed on studies? What about people? What about the present? Has anyone tried living in the present before? Without care or concern for what has happened or what's to come? Why can't we just enjoy what we have now?

Why does the education system force us to focus on books rather than on people? People are so much more important (and interesting). Everywhere others are saying to be thankful for what you have, to "live" in the present, to enjoy it. Then they tell us that we have to work hard for a brighter future that might be obliterated by guns, bombs and flying spaghetti monsters.

We put so much hope and promise in the future, but about the present? Isn't the present yesterday's future? When do we really get the chance to sit down, relax and enjoy ourselves? If every future is going to be just another present, what when will the future come? How can you expect to enjoy yourself when all you're really doing is working towards the future?

This world doesn't make any sense at all.

Studies. We're studying for that future. Sure, some people are naturally smart. Not all of us can claim to be prodigies. This education system forces students to study hard enough to become pseudo-prodigies. All you memorise is word after word after word. In between those words you get smatterings of friend's birthdays, family gatherings and all other things that only seem to be taking you further away from your future/present/whatever.

Screw you education system.

In this sense, Death Note is really ironic. You have a note book. And it takes the lives of people.

But I'm prepared to retain. Even if they don't relax on the promotion criteria, I don't mind repeating the year. My mum is just going to have to live with the scar of having a retainee for a son.

I will follow you into the dark, Zoe. No matter what you may want to do. I'll stand by you.

Now i've decided.

i just got back my bio paper.
i only attained an E, and i'm the lowest in class. 48/100, you can hardly call that a pass.

with my horrible results, i think i'm better off if i retain. i mean, there's no point if i promote, and flunk my A Levels. so, i've sort of decided to just retain. i'm actually more afraid of promoting. can anyone understand my fears? if i go on, i will continue to do badly in my subjects. isn't it better if i take one more year to get my facts right first? i'm afraid of flunking A Levels, if that happens, there is nothing i can do anymore, nowhere i can turn to. i'd be stuck. and if i forcibly promote myself this year, there's a high chance that my greatest fear will realise.

i'm stuck.

i'm confused.

i don't want to leave my dearest friends... i feel disconnected with them already. i know definitely that they are going to move on, and i'm happy for them. i was in the canteen with them today. knowing that i could never be with them again made me feel sad, beyond sad. i know it'd be inevitable that we'd drift apart if i were to retain. it's inevitable. i'd miss them... for all the times we spent together (and that's like the whole time i'm in school), and all the jokes we shared, all the times we irritated each other, all the times we simply made each other smile. i'd miss them... i can't bear to be separated from you guys, jaclyn and jolene. you two are the reasons why i'm happy in my class. thank you for everything you've given me this past year. i'm sorry i have to say goodbye so soon... i'm really sorry... i love you, dear friends, all the best okay? just smile and you can do it :)

goodbye guys...

Now let me join you :)

i am just told that i failed my chem, add that to math and econs.
so that's 2 h2s and 1 h1 down. pretty bad eh. so it might mean that i'm retaining.
i'm still trying to accept the fact that i failed my chem despite studying rather hard, it came as a blow to me. lucky it was after my group's presentation at the OP workshop. otherwise i wouldn't be able to speak at all.

there are rumours that they will lower the criteria for promotion to 1 h2 pass, so i may be able to promote if i pass my bio. if i fail my bio, i think i might as well not carry on with JC education. it makes no sense, does it?

sometimes i feel like not studying anmore. i can't take the stress of exams and studying anymore. other times, i just want to hold on. but it's beginning to become kind of pointless to continue. am i giving up? i must be a loser then.

momo's pretty okay with retaining and going through the whole process again, he's determined. i wonder if i have that level of determination. but it's difficult. to be very honest, i am traumatised by the exam stress during the promo period, and i'm not sure if i want to go through that again. once more, and i might be broken.

i just have to admit it, i am weak.

but i love you, you know?

Exhausted.

it's such a depressing day today.
i don't know why, i just feel so down. i think it's because i missed you too much over the weekend. then i saw you for such a short while before assembly, it wasn't enough to compensate for my longing.

or maybe it was because i have exhausted my happiness last week. i remember being so happy on friday, and saturday. cuz we had stAJe and we could be in the ER together with the stAJe family, most importantly, i could be with you.

today, seeing the J2s not in school, made me realise that i would perhaps not see them again. i then realised that friday was, in fact, the last day of school for them. lots of misses, i don't know how to describe.

i'm going crazy, i wish you were here to hold me down. don't ask me to make horrible promises? i can't go on to J2 without you. you are the reason why i worked hard in the first place. you can't ask me to continue on my own now, i can't do it, i don't know how to. you know how it hurts.

i love you so much.

It's scary.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Personality test, so true.

This is a description of me :) tell me whether it's true.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Locomotion

Everyone can agree that Project Work takes all the fun out of our post-promo period. Even more so than the result slip I'll be getting come Thursday. That's because you only get to do PW once, but repeating your J1 year is apparently fine.

AJ's Open House was yesterday and the turn-out was a lot better than last years. I wish the cafe had opened, it would have made a lot of money off the people who came to visit. I say people because not all of them were Sec 4s. Some of them were J1s or Poly people trying to pass off as Sec 4s. Which is what I would have done if I didn't have to be at the stall.

Talking to people is fun. Talking to random strangers isn't. Talking to random strangers about your CCA is kinda annoying. Talking to random strangers about your CCA over excruiciatingly loud music, well, sucks.

The thing about it is that you keep having to repeat the same lines over and over again. Don't get me wrong, StAJe is great. I love my CCA and I'm pretty sure everyone else loves it too. But talking about it takes away a bit of the romance. It's not like you hear people repeating every slimy detail of their sex lives to random people on the street. That's harrassment. And can land you in jail.

Fine, wrong analogy.

But you get the picture. Don't you?

Anyhows, the turn out was good. The performances were pretty decent too. But the mass dances were a bit of the let-down. It's not exactly the best way to show off school spirit. Lack of it, maybe.

Enough about Open House. I'm shifting soon. In another week or so, I'll be blogging from my new house in the kid-infested condominium, Edelweiss Park. Luckily, I'll be in my room. And it's more or less soundproofed against little kiddos playing in the pool downstairs.

I really wish I'd bought a MacBook.