MoZo

2007-03-01T14:54:00.000+08:00

my world is slowly falling apart...

to a friend i have never truly known.

2007-02-26T15:46:00.000+08:00

perhaps it was all superficial.
perhaps you've never treated me as your friend.
so many insecurities of your own,
will never be known.
for you keep them in the deep dark abyss
of your heart.

why do you cast your friends away?

Chunky Monkey

2007-02-18T15:39:00.000+08:00

I feel a great temptation to name all my blog posts after Ben & Jerry's ice creams.

Everything's going pretty well. My mum, dad and grandma are on talking terms again, so really, that just means that I get more ang pows. It also means that I get to go to a lot more places than I initially expected too. Which leads me back to the point about having more ang pows.

Ang pows are good, money is good. But being able to see my grandma again without having to lie to my parents is kinda morally uplifting. I think everyone's mood has generally been lifted because of this.

Why am I at home on this fine day when everyone is supposed to be out visiting other people for more ang pows? Because my mum is lazy to go visiting, and tells other people that we're visiting other people to so that she doesn't have to go visiting. All in all, it's working out pretty fine because we got compensated with a bigger ang pow from my parents, so yay.

I've got loads of plans on what to do with the ang pow money I've collected so far. i think it's wierd that people spend money on clothes before CNY because you only get the money after it. Of course, most people actually bother to save their cash so they can actually buy stuff, and so the ang pow money more than makes up for what they spend beforehand.

Oh well.

I want to buy new shoes. Because I signed up for the 100m sprint. I know I'm going to do pretty horribly, but hey, I'll cartwheel when I get to the end just for the fun of it. It's all in the name of fun isn't it? I'm in shot put too. Haha. I hope I do well in that. I think it's about time I started going to the gym again.

And I want to take up squash. So I'll need to get all the appropriate stuff as well. I just hope I'll have enough cash to left to buy whatever else I need. Maybe like new stationary or something. Haha.

Right, I want to get back to watching Nightwatch. It's really bloody. Happy Chinese New Year people.

Eat your face.

2007-02-10T19:05:00.000+08:00

Couldn't think of any better title.

StAJe is taking up a lot of time, great deal of conflict here. Yes, I want the IHDC to turn out well, to be the biggest, grandest and most memorable event AJ will ever have, that's why I step in to help the houses with lighting cues, directorial advice, try to establish proper rapport between director and cast, be nice to the people and ask them if they need help. But YES, I want to have some time alone with Zoe.

Oh well, guess life's like that most of the time.

I spend a great deal of time thinking about the world that Zoe and I will eventually have to live in. And my imagination tells me that it's going to suck so bad you won't want to have any children because you want to spare them the agonizing pain of having to live in a world where everyone wants to be beautiful but fail to be, and sink into condescending abyssmal pits of depression. So bad it makes you want to cut your genitals off.

Sometimes I wonder if a society like the one in Brave New World is better then what we go through. Here you have a world where everyone exploits everyone for something and feel good about it. You have an ever-increasing income gap, a global divide between the non-existant classes that we didn't get segregated into because we're civilised, and lots and lots of justified violence. It's different for the folks in BNW. Yes, you're "exploited" but the great thing is that you don't have a clue that you are. Even the people "exploiting" you don't know what they're doing.

Ignorance is bliss eh?

Anywhos, Valentine's Day is coming and I haven't bought anything for anyone yet. I'm going to have to do like last minute shopping real soon. I think it's sad that I know so many people, but I don't have things to give them. It's a lot easier for me not to give the guys anything, because, well, it's awkward and they'll understand anyway. Thinking of something special to do for Zoe is the real braincell killer.

How do you even begin to express undying affection and everlasting love in the span of one day? Do we really need a stupid day that got relabelled as "Friendship Day" to tell someone that we love them? Crockpots. The whole thing is just a bloody show about who's the better boyfriend. Bloody because you're going to get butchered if you don't perform on that day. Who says men are in charge?

Oh well. We have StAJe on that day. Talk about bummer. Let's see who skips that day alright?

P. S. I booked the BBQ pit at my house for the 10th of March for a StAJe thing. Whoever reads this, please pass the message.

rawr. i feel like rawring.

2007-02-09T15:16:00.001+08:00

i guess nobody's been reading our blog since we didn't really update that often. well, it's not that we don't have anything to say, it's just no time. stAJe's taking up pretty much time, with us staying back after school like everyday. IHDC: monday, tuesday, thursday. stAJe: wednesday and friday. i'm pretty glad that we had a break, no stAJe for today:) not that i don't like going for cca, i love it. i love just being with the stAJers and just be crazy. it's a time when i can really be crazy and nobody would judge me for it. i can hop around and sing at the top of my lungs and nobody would mind. and then there's ding feng who goes around taking offensive photos of raktim. haha. i shan't elaborate.

school's been very busy, on top of that, i still have to work on weekends. i enjoy going to work. it takes me away from the everyday school life. it's when i can relax and face the world and the people it brings to me. i see many people at the place i work at, albeit rich and very rich ones. they often come into the shop with Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton paper bags hanging on their arms. most of them are foreigners, and they're a friendly bunch of people. singaporeans really can't be compared to them, being more reserved and they probably feel weird when greeted by someone they don't know. but yea, i really enjoy going to work, and being in a nice environment with nice people helps. my colleaques are fabulous people, they are simply so endearing. and i can tell it's genuine because they go all out to help someone. haha, going to work this weekend and i'm looking forward to it. take me away from all the studying...

tata everyone, i've blabbed enough to last for a while. momo and i are doing great!:) it's valentine's next wednesday!! i love you lots momo.
ＨＡＰＰＹ　ＶＡＬＥＮＴＩＮＥ＇Ｓ　ＴＯＡＬＬ　ＣＯＵＰＬＥＳ :)

Yup.

2007-02-03T13:31:00.000+08:00

It's been a really long time since my last post.

Really really really long time.

Can't say I've been busy, "lazy" would be a better word. I was busy with preparing the IHDC scripts, was anyway, but that was a pretty long time ago. Then again, I never really was busy with the scripts up till the last few days before I had to submit them. Other than that, I don't think I've been plagued by any major deterrent from blogging.

School's been pretty fine, I guess. I won't go into details about everything that's happened and all that. Too many things I suppose. A lot of friction and stuff like that, normally everything turns out fine on the surface. But sometimes Life can be like a condom that you didn't put on properly. Looks fine on the outside, but there's an air bubble waiting to make you a daddy. I'm getting tired of a lot of things (excluding Zoe), it's one of those times when you feel like everything that you do just ain't worth it, like when all your intentions mean well but you screw up somewhere along the way and screw everything up.

My life is full of those times. Miraculously, these things sort themselves out a lot for some inexplicable reason. I can't run with this mentality for much longer I suppose, I keep wondering when this lucky wave of everyone-else-except-me-seems-to-forget-itis.

I wish I could just say that I don't want to here your sad, soppy stories about this and that and everything in between, I can't be bothered to help you make a decision on whether or not your head should be fried in chip batter, or I'm just too tired to have to entertain all your mood swings. But I can't. Why do I bother to step into everything, when everything is, more often than not, a big pile of prehistoric dinosaur shit?

Oh well.

I guess that's just the way life is. Way to go with lame excuses for all the misfortunes in my life eh? Happy welcome back post to me.

BBQ Business.

2006-12-03T15:59:00.000+08:00

Alright, here's everything you need to know about the BBQ.

This is what I'm getting from www.bbqwholesale.com:

100 sticks of chicken satay
20 chicken chops
20 stingrays

And this is what my mum has got already:

2 bottles of Sprite Ice (someone get vodka)
30 cans of Coke
4 6-packs of packet drinks
2 bottles of syrup (one's grape and the other's lemon tea)
Sausages
Chipolatas
Chicken Curry
1 Pork Rib
2 packs of chicken wings
All the paper plates and other rubbish
Charcoal

Just bring 5 bucks alright guys? If you don't, I'll have to tear your underwear and then smear butter along your asscrack.

Someone has to get the alcohol, just let me know who's interested. And the ice as well. Petrol kiosks are outside, can get them on the way in.

Please confirm with me ASAP if you can make it on friday so I can order less or something. And bring extra clothing okay? Swimming or not, you're probably going to get wet. I'll leave the option to stayover at my place open to those who don't mind having to sleep on the floor.

Okay, my parents won't be home till LATE, dad's got some ranger course on, mum's got a dinner to attend. We'll have to lower the volume on our thing after 10 so that no one can complain. Pool's lights and pump get turned off after 10, but the security guard told me that it's fine to go swimming at that time, he'll close an eye for me as long as we don't make too much noise.

Here's the address to my place:

SOMEONE REALLY SMART SAID NOT TO PUT IT ONLINE SO I WON'T.

As for how to get there, well, this is going to hard on you guys.

Okay, take the train down to Tanah Merah and then alight and cross the road via the underpass to take bus no. 2. You'll know when you're reaching when you see the Japanese school, you can't miss it. It says "The Japanese School" on the gate. One stop after you should see the condo, and another stop later you'll see a Esso kiosk.

From there turn into Mariam Walk/Drive/Lane, and walk all the way down till you see the main gate to Edelweiss Park. You can't miss that either, it says "Edelweiss Park Condominium" on this wall thing. There's a temple opposite and a playground before that. If you can't seem to find those, just take a cab.

You guys can come real early if you want to, and bring 50 cent coins if you want to play Pool, cos that's how much one game costs.

Bring 5 bucks and extra clothing too.

Give me SMS confirmations on your attendance yeah?

Soon.

Thanks people, I really hope to see all of you there.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

2006-12-01T17:32:00.000+08:00

I think the security guards here are really really nice people to talk to. And I kinda pity them, seeing as how they'll have to watch over five hundred and seventy (yes, I spelt this out for emphasis) units come next year. There are only a hundred occupied right now, and managing the clubhouse alone is tough shit already. I'd really hate to them one of them next year.

Anywhos, I had a really good chat with one particular security guard two days back. I think we started talking when he told me that he didn't think my mum would be coming down to the gym because her chinese drama serial was starting. I know how wierd that sounds. Then I asked him if he had dinner, just the usual polite banter and such, and then we got into a real conversation.

What is a real conversation? Like how many people can actually find time to have one with someone you've only known for what? Five minutes? Five minutes, all you know about someone is how good their first impression was on you, no bias of character, no knowledge of all the dark, shameful deeds that you've swept under your rug.

It was a really good conversation. Damn, I can't stop typing conservation, even though PW is long over.

We talked about how to lose weight. Wow. Then we talked about how to get my parents to cut some slack on the chain wrapped around my neck. Then we talked about life in general. He was telling me about everything that I would eventually face in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, hence the title for this post. Everything I would face next year for the As, everything I would face in the army, everything I would face in Uni and beyond.

He was telling me to treat life like a chess game, to make every move with consideration of what came before, what's going to come, and another two more steps ahead. He also quoted Shakespeare ("All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."), and told me that we each had our own roles to play in life.

He told me know people would get you to do things you already know are bad for you, like smoking and drugs, how they'd say that you were a coward and many other things. He said that heroes always die first, so they can be their own heroes. He told me how strong I had to be mentally to resist all these things, to not be affected by them.

He said that life goes on no matter what happens, and we should all just do our best to accept it and to roll with the punches. He told me that he liked to make friends from all age groups, because like in making curry, you needed both fresh and old ingredients.

I felt really bummed when I had to leave, but legs were killing me after the half and hour on the elliptical.

I'm going to keep this post here for a while, because I think it means a lot. Goes to show how much you can learn from a security guard eh?

Sublimal Messaging.

2006-11-22T20:19:00.000+08:00

I had gained enlightenment on the train today.

I was standing there in the centre of the train carriage, with empty seats all around, with pen in hand, writing down ideas for the IHDC scripts. Then the automated voice thing that tells people not to leave their stuff on the train thing started playing.

You know, the one that goes something like "Please do not leave your belongings on the train" or something like that. Yeah, the one they play over and over and over again, like 10 times before you reach your destination, more if you travel further.

Then it hit me.

Like shit hitting a fan switched on at max speed.

The government is so damn smart. The only reason they have these stupid messages replayed on the trains is to prevent terrorism. Think about it, this is really just effing sublimal messaging. They're just going to drill the message into your brain simply by repeating it until every intonation, every slur, every accent, of every word of every sentence of every one of the major languages in Singapore is etched into the back of your cranium.

How does this prevent terrorism?

Simple.

The terrorist takes his bag off the train with him.

Backalleys.

2006-11-19T11:33:00.000+08:00

For some inexplicable reason, I really need to retell the story of my journey through this backalley near my house.

I like to explore the new neighbourhood that I'm living in. Lots and lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars, the upper-crust of society rubbish. Funny thing is, I rarely see anyone at all. Just lots of big houses, landed property, expensive cars. No one but maids in the houses, no drivers in the cars. Where do these people go? How come they spend so much on a fancy house and never seem to stay in it?

Alright, enough extravagence. And back to my story.

So I was exploring the new area, because I wanted to buy milk, and I needed to find a new way of getting to the shophouses without having to pass by my house first, because it really didn't make any sense to go home first.

So I landed up in this alley. Where the first thing I saw was a a white cat. That jumped 2 metres into a house. That was some mad shit. Then, stunned from the amazing flying cat, I didn't really see where I was walking. There were these fruits that had dropped on the ground there, and I was just going to step over them, when this gigantic insect flew into another house. It was as big as my palm. Which was very big indeed, considering the size of my palm. Yup, maybe the houses were built there for animals and insects to jump into them.

Okay. That's all.

To Zoe's Mum.

2006-11-16T23:10:00.000+08:00

You're bullshit. You're a fucking piece of walking crap. If you gave your own daughter, no, wait, if you gave your family an easier time, maybe you wouldn't be the pile of turd that you are now.

Thank you for taking my breathe away.

2006-11-13T10:09:00.001+08:00

life is not measured by the number of breathes we take,
but by the moments that take our breathe away.

~George Calin

I'm not about to give up, ever.

2006-11-13T08:36:00.000+08:00

You told me this:

Love is not about being with the person physically all the time.
Love is when you keep the person in your heart. And take comfort in the fact that no matter what you do, there'll always be someone who will always love you and forgive you.
Love is when you know what the other person is going to say even before they say it.
Love is what brings you the greatest pains in life. And it is also the greatest joy.

Thank you. I understand it now.
I truly understand.

you're my greatest gift in life. I never meant to give us up. It'll never happen, trust me.
We'll go on. I love you so much it hurts. Yet the times i spent with you were the happiest. There's a comforting knowledge that you'll always be there for me, and you'll never leave me. i no longer doubt it. The thought soothes me, takes me away from the hell i'm living in, gives me hope. You give me love that no one has given me, not even my family. so i grew to become dependent on you, held on to you for dear life. For letting you go means that i will plunge into darkness, and i will become aimless in life again. I'm sorry i became over-reliant on you, i never meant to make you feel this way. I never was ready to stand on my own feet, all i got from my family was scoldings, screamings, shoutings, it is horrible. I never learnt. But now it is time for me to start from scratch, learn step-by-step to be independent. Now i actually have a goal to work towards, with you. I have to keep that in mind. No matter what happens, i will be here for you. I will learn to be a better person.

ps) i will start by getting a job. any job offers, anyone??

Patches, rough ones.

2006-11-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

Nothing in this life or the next will bring you more pain than love.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they are liars.
Or they are still inexperienced in such matters.
Or the have been exquisitely fortunate in their choice of lovers.
So far

- Aki-no-hashi (1311)

I suppose every relationship has it's ups and downs. This would be one of the downs in ours. I hope it doesn't drag on for too long, but even if it does, I'll wait Zoe. I'll wait for you to get everything sorted out, I'll help you in any way I can. I will do anything for you. We can take all the time in the world to solve this problem, it doesn't matter. To me, the only important thing, is you.

I want you to be as happy as you could possibly. I know you say that you're only happy when you're with me, you always make me make your decisions, you don't want to decide on anything. Darling, isn't that being too over-reliant on me? I love you, I hope you know that, but loving you means that I want to see you become a better person, I want you to achieve all that you can. I cannot simply give you directions to everything in life, can I?

I wish I could dear, I really wish I could. But I don't have the means to support you yet, I don't even have the means to support myself. If you really want me to be with you all the time, then I'm going to have to leave this house, and take you away from yours. I promised you a better life, a comfortable one where money won't be such a big deal. I have to work hard for that future, and so do you. I promised to take you away from all the shit that you're going through now, but I can't do that now.

We can't be together all the time. We have to endure a couple more years of anguish and torment before we can stand on our own feet, holding hands and facing the world. A couple more years dear. What is a few more years to us? Eleven more days would mark our fifth month together, we've made it so far already sweetheart. Don't give up on us yet?

We can do it, five years is just eight more fifth months.

Haven't these five months gone by in a flash? I still remember our first time holding hands at the Junction 8's B1, just in front of the escalator. I still remember all the times we sat on the benches at the MRT platforms. I still remember our first kiss in the Esplanade glass elevator, the snuggling that we did before that as well dear. I remember all the poems I wrote for you, the songs that I've sang, the smiles that we've smiled, the food that we've eaten.

I love you, Zoe Lim Wanxuan.

You said that we would take things one step at a time. You said that we would work towards our future together. We've planned everything already dear, our first wedding, the kids, the second wedding, the honeymoon, the house, everything. All those hopes and aspirations that we have for the future, all our dreams, they won't go to waste. I'll make them a reality, no, WE'll make them a reality.

It doesn't matter even if I'm not by your side all the time, I know that I'll always be in your heart, no matter how deep down or how obscured by your doubts. Think of all the happy times that we've had and all the happy times we're going to have. Don't be sad, my beloved. There will come a time when we can be together, in the comfort of each other's arms, and not have to worry about anything.

Don't lose hope dear.

We both know, the day would come, but I don't want to leave you.

Notebooks.

2006-11-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

I need a notebook.

Which is really wierd, seeing as how I have half a dozen of them strewn all over my ex-room with little less than a quarter of the pages used up. They come in all shapes, sizes and colours that would put most rainbows to shame.

But I get distracted far too easily.

I can almost never finish a notebook because of that. The only ones that are sufficiently filled up are the ones that Mervyn, Dexter, Nicol and the rest of the gang drew in. I still keep those books. They make me really happy.

I guess I need a notebook to document my life. Notebooks. Computers just don't cut it. Nothing beats a notebook when it comes to jotting down every minute detail of your life. Stuff that you would want everyone except your parents and teachers to see. Besides, notebooks are a lot lighter than stupid laptops.

I've had so much to blog about, but with PW and all that other stuff in my life, I've long forgotten what was it that I had thought of that interested me enough to expend my limited mental stamina on.

So I need a notebook. I hope I find one soon.

P.S. I love you, Zoe.

To all J2s!

2006-11-02T11:19:00.000+08:00

Good luck for A levels! MUST jiayou! we are wishing you all the best, don't give up k! just press on and you'll get to your destination. loves!

* I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Thomas Alva Edison

yoga: link your mind, body and soul

2006-10-31T09:42:00.000+08:00

momo and i signed up for yoga lessons! (well, it was more like my enthusiasm led to momo's obligations to join with me. haha:)

so last thursday, we went to selegie house in little india. no, it's not some hotel or what. it's not anywhere sleazy. well.. at first, we did end up in some sleazy and dark shopping mall called selegie centre cuz we got confused with selegie house and selegie centre. all i can remember is that there is a marriage agency in the highest level. and then there was this male shop owner who was giving us a weird look. hmmm... haha..

then we found out that selegie house is actually a few blocks of flats, and the yoga centre is at the bottom level. apparently, the yoga centre is made up of units of flats. the interior was well decorated and the dim orange lightings gave the place a nice ambience. if i'm not wrong, there were candles around too. the first thing we had to do was to take our shoes off and place them on shelves at the door. then we were led upstairs and we were relieved to see ms tay and other AJ students.

breathing exercises. inhale, exhale. some of us nearly fell alseep cuz we got so comfortable!
then we chanted. sort of sang a song in sanskrit. this was the part that i didn't like it. it almost seemed like a religion to me. the instrutor said we thank the sun for giving us light and therefore life to us and we had to press our palms together in a prayer like action. i didn't really follow his chants.

then we got started to do sun salutations (a), surya namaska. we had to move our bodies this way and that and i remember there's this pose called 'downward facing dog'. no kidding. of course it has its name in sanskrit, but there's no way we could remember that.

we felt so relaxed after the session and it sort of made us more aware of our postures, whether our back is straight upright or hunched. and that was only the first lesson. i look forward to the next 7 lessons and hope they will help me to stay fit and improve my postures. :) everyone should try yoga, it's more than just sitting there and trying to hold the note 'ohhmm...' as long as you can. haha.. :)

ps: people fart when they do yoga. it's perfectly normal.

Why is my computer screen so dusty?

2006-10-28T09:10:00.000+08:00

Here I am, in my spangly new red, black and white room.

Actually, I'm in school, thinking of what to write, and talking to my increasingly vulgar friend from back in CatHOLIC High. But just pretend that I'm in my room.

The new place is really cool at night, the lighting from the pool, the street lamps that line the pavement, the ball fountain thing, the silhoutte of the trees in the distance, all that really poetic stuff. Maybe I'll write a poem about it when I'm free and have absolutely nothing to do, or when I can't get to sleep at night and need an alternative to watching really crappy late night shows.

The house itself is kinda nice, the lighting fixtures, the TV consoles, the kitchen, and the bedrooms are looking very good. The soft, warm lighting of my brother's and parent's rooms give the place a very homely feel. Not exactly homely, erm, more like the rooms in the Changi Aloha Beach Resort.

And my room.

I like my room a whole lot. It's red, black, and matches my new shoes and bag. Even though it's small, everything that I've bought fits really snugly in it. The walls are pretty sparse at the moment because I have to shelving up yet. After everything is finally settled then I'll probably have to go down to Ikea again to get more stuff.

I have two of the same chairs in my room. Which is extremely stupid and I really don't like it because it's stupid. But because my mum bought three really big, high back chairs for all of us, it can't fit into my parent's room and so it's now stuck in the corner of my room reserved for my bean bag chair.

I hope it's not permanent, or I'll be forced to set it on fire.

Aside from that small hiccough, everything else is pretty okay. Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

My wall-mounted Samsung TV.

This is my TV. It supplants me with all sorts of late night bullshit. Local channels get really stupid at night which is probably the only time I'll watch tv in my room, which really sucks because it makes my television kinda redundant.

My closet and window.

You can see a bit of the black wall there. My closet is really pretty, being white and all, but I'm not going to go to near it again until I air it sufficiently. The last time I opened a drawer, this really putrid stench came out and made my eyes tear. The blinds are black too.

My desk.

This here is my desk, along with my laptop on it. As you can see, it's bare. There's almost nothing on it. People should buy me stuff to decorate it with.

My bed. Yay.

My bed, my glorious red and black bed. You can't make out the head board in the picture because camera resolution sucks bad at night and if you're only using your handphone to take it. In the other corner is my makeshift bedside table (it got replaced by the second chair afterwards). It's where my BEAN BAG CHAIR should be. I wish I had a decent camera to take more photos, but I don't, so this is the last one for now.

Oh, and if you didn't know. I like red and black.

5 reasons why we're not the Yishun couple.

2006-10-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

1. Zoe does NOT wear a hair band.

2. Zoe takes 806 or 804, not 800.

3. I haven't been to Yishun this week.

4. Zoe is EXTREMELY cautious in Yishun, because we already bumped into her neighbour once.

5. We're not THAT stupid.

There. Proof. Unless your suggesting some form of infidelity or adultery or whatever, in which case I'll be forced you rip out your intestines and feed them to you.

2006-10-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

You are beautiful, Zoe. =]

I will follow you into the Dark.

2006-10-18T21:45:00.000+08:00

Promos suck.

The whole examination system here sucks.

Why the fuck is so much emphasis placed on studies? What about people? What about the present? Has anyone tried living in the present before? Without care or concern for what has happened or what's to come? Why can't we just enjoy what we have now?

Why does the education system force us to focus on books rather than on people? People are so much more important (and interesting). Everywhere others are saying to be thankful for what you have, to "live" in the present, to enjoy it. Then they tell us that we have to work hard for a brighter future that might be obliterated by guns, bombs and flying spaghetti monsters.

We put so much hope and promise in the future, but about the present? Isn't the present yesterday's future? When do we really get the chance to sit down, relax and enjoy ourselves? If every future is going to be just another present, what when will the future come? How can you expect to enjoy yourself when all you're really doing is working towards the future?

This world doesn't make any sense at all.

Studies. We're studying for that future. Sure, some people are naturally smart. Not all of us can claim to be prodigies. This education system forces students to study hard enough to become pseudo-prodigies. All you memorise is word after word after word. In between those words you get smatterings of friend's birthdays, family gatherings and all other things that only seem to be taking you further away from your future/present/whatever.

Screw you education system.

In this sense, Death Note is really ironic. You have a note book. And it takes the lives of people.

But I'm prepared to retain. Even if they don't relax on the promotion criteria, I don't mind repeating the year. My mum is just going to have to live with the scar of having a retainee for a son.

I will follow you into the dark, Zoe. No matter what you may want to do. I'll stand by you.

Now i've decided.

2006-10-17T10:17:00.000+08:00

i just got back my bio paper.
i only attained an E, and i'm the lowest in class. 48/100, you can hardly call that a pass.

with my horrible results, i think i'm better off if i retain. i mean, there's no point if i promote, and flunk my A Levels. so, i've sort of decided to just retain. i'm actually more afraid of promoting. can anyone understand my fears? if i go on, i will continue to do badly in my subjects. isn't it better if i take one more year to get my facts right first? i'm afraid of flunking A Levels, if that happens, there is nothing i can do anymore, nowhere i can turn to. i'd be stuck. and if i forcibly promote myself this year, there's a high chance that my greatest fear will realise.

i'm stuck.

i'm confused.

i don't want to leave my dearest friends... i feel disconnected with them already. i know definitely that they are going to move on, and i'm happy for them. i was in the canteen with them today. knowing that i could never be with them again made me feel sad, beyond sad. i know it'd be inevitable that we'd drift apart if i were to retain. it's inevitable. i'd miss them... for all the times we spent together (and that's like the whole time i'm in school), and all the jokes we shared, all the times we irritated each other, all the times we simply made each other smile. i'd miss them... i can't bear to be separated from you guys, jaclyn and jolene. you two are the reasons why i'm happy in my class. thank you for everything you've given me this past year. i'm sorry i have to say goodbye so soon... i'm really sorry... i love you, dear friends, all the best okay? just smile and you can do it :)

goodbye guys...

Now let me join you :)

2006-10-16T18:44:00.000+08:00

i am just told that i failed my chem, add that to math and econs.
so that's 2 h2s and 1 h1 down. pretty bad eh. so it might mean that i'm retaining.
i'm still trying to accept the fact that i failed my chem despite studying rather hard, it came as a blow to me. lucky it was after my group's presentation at the OP workshop. otherwise i wouldn't be able to speak at all.

there are rumours that they will lower the criteria for promotion to 1 h2 pass, so i may be able to promote if i pass my bio. if i fail my bio, i think i might as well not carry on with JC education. it makes no sense, does it?

sometimes i feel like not studying anmore. i can't take the stress of exams and studying anymore. other times, i just want to hold on. but it's beginning to become kind of pointless to continue. am i giving up? i must be a loser then.

momo's pretty okay with retaining and going through the whole process again, he's determined. i wonder if i have that level of determination. but it's difficult. to be very honest, i am traumatised by the exam stress during the promo period, and i'm not sure if i want to go through that again. once more, and i might be broken.

i just have to admit it, i am weak.

but i love you, you know?

Exhausted.

2006-10-16T09:00:00.000+08:00

it's such a depressing day today.
i don't know why, i just feel so down. i think it's because i missed you too much over the weekend. then i saw you for such a short while before assembly, it wasn't enough to compensate for my longing.

or maybe it was because i have exhausted my happiness last week. i remember being so happy on friday, and saturday. cuz we had stAJe and we could be in the ER together with the stAJe family, most importantly, i could be with you.

today, seeing the J2s not in school, made me realise that i would perhaps not see them again. i then realised that friday was, in fact, the last day of school for them. lots of misses, i don't know how to describe.

i'm going crazy, i wish you were here to hold me down. don't ask me to make horrible promises? i can't go on to J2 without you. you are the reason why i worked hard in the first place. you can't ask me to continue on my own now, i can't do it, i don't know how to. you know how it hurts.

i love you so much.

It's scary.

2006-10-15T18:10:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Personality test, so true.

2006-10-15T17:46:00.000+08:00

This is a description of me :) tell me whether it's true.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Locomotion

2006-10-15T10:59:00.000+08:00

Everyone can agree that Project Work takes all the fun out of our post-promo period. Even more so than the result slip I'll be getting come Thursday. That's because you only get to do PW once, but repeating your J1 year is apparently fine.

AJ's Open House was yesterday and the turn-out was a lot better than last years. I wish the cafe had opened, it would have made a lot of money off the people who came to visit. I say people because not all of them were Sec 4s. Some of them were J1s or Poly people trying to pass off as Sec 4s. Which is what I would have done if I didn't have to be at the stall.

Talking to people is fun. Talking to random strangers isn't. Talking to random strangers about your CCA is kinda annoying. Talking to random strangers about your CCA over excruiciatingly loud music, well, sucks.

The thing about it is that you keep having to repeat the same lines over and over again. Don't get me wrong, StAJe is great. I love my CCA and I'm pretty sure everyone else loves it too. But talking about it takes away a bit of the romance. It's not like you hear people repeating every slimy detail of their sex lives to random people on the street. That's harrassment. And can land you in jail.

Fine, wrong analogy.

But you get the picture. Don't you?

Anyhows, the turn out was good. The performances were pretty decent too. But the mass dances were a bit of the let-down. It's not exactly the best way to show off school spirit. Lack of it, maybe.

Enough about Open House. I'm shifting soon. In another week or so, I'll be blogging from my new house in the kid-infested condominium, Edelweiss Park. Luckily, I'll be in my room. And it's more or less soundproofed against little kiddos playing in the pool downstairs.

I really wish I'd bought a MacBook.

Now let me tell you a joke.

2006-10-08T13:42:00.000+08:00

Zoe and I found this joke in a book. Can't remember where it was, or what the title was either. All I remember was that it was funny.

So here it is.

A punk rocker, complete with a rainbow mohawk and metal piercings all over his body, boards a public bus. He sits down next to an elderly man who keeps staring at him.

"What's wrong, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?" says the punk rocker.

The old man replies, "I had sex with a parrot once, and I was wondering if you were my son."

You got to admit, it is funny.

Jamie said it's hard. So we'll all pass.

2006-10-04T16:34:00.000+08:00

Okay, just finished my Lit paper so I'm absolutely no condition to study. I really wonder what my mum is going to say when I tell her that I might end up retaining.

Just like Zoe's post below, I really don't see what's wrong with retaining. You get another year of StAJe, you make new friends, you get more time to brush up on all the topics that you didn't bother paying attention to this year, and you'll be WAY more prepared when it comes to the A Levels. So who cares if you retain?

It'll be just like poly. Minus the fun of skipping lectures, the cheap and much better food, and the hair.

Damn, JC life sucks.

I really don't see what's wrong with retaining, I kinda hope I do actually. I've really done my best with the Maths paper. I've put in hours of practice, memorised all the formulas that they threw at us, but if the paper was too friggin' hard, then it's really not my fault. It kind of stinks when you think of it. You work so hard, and because the teachers went a little nuts, you end up failing.

I managed to do the first bits of my maths paper quite well, in fact, I breezed through them. But by the time I reached the fifth question, woah. Screw you, exam-setter-person. I wish I could condemn you to the lowest level of Hell, where you'll suffer eternal torment and be forced to do meaningless maths questions that have really simple answers. But I'm not that kind of person.

That whole thing in Cat High when I told the piece of paper to burn in Hell was just a phase.

I have much better things to do than to condemn you. Besides, you were just doing your job. Maybe you do it a little too well then.

Luckily, everyone came out saying that it was difficult. Even I Ting looked glum. And she's I Ting. Jamie said it was hard, Nicholas and Nicholas said that it was hard too. Jaclyn and Jolene were convinced about retaining. And Zoe, well, we kinda worked out everyting about retaining, so we're good.

Lit was same-same. I can't reallly differentiate -- Wait, scrap that term -- I can't really tell the difference between this paper and the paper we sat for during out Mid-Years. I expect to pass, even though I didn't really answer the question.

Hey, I'm just looking to pass.

I hope I'll pass my GP. And My Lit. And with moderation, Maths. Then I'll still have one more big, gaping hole to fill up. History? Or Chinese?

History's tough because there's a lot to cover, and Chinese.. Well.. Let's not forget who I am.

I really hope that Zoe and I don't retain. But if that highly-possible scenario does occur, I hope my mum doesn't die from a heart attack.

ah... math was horrible...

2006-10-04T15:14:00.000+08:00

you know, acutually i wouldn't mind retaining.

the reasons being are:

1. i can change econ to lit.

2. there's no point if i force myself to promote, and yet flunk A levels.

3. my basics are seriously not strong at all.

4. i can spend another year in staje! and experience another SYF.

however all being said, i hope i will be able to promote with all my friends and momo. don't want to be left alone.

i wonder how hundreds of other teenagers in singapore manage to take the pressure of studying in a jc. by right i should be able to, i'm not weak.

i have done my best.

i love you momo.

Find the Sum of Price Elasticity of Othello's Ancient.

2006-10-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

Oh well. Exams stink.

Real bad.

Like maggots on cheese and green tea shampoos.

Plus, I'm blogging. When I should really be studying for my Maths paper. And underlining all of Ash-the-super-lit-genius-elf-woman-person-thing's Lit quotes for Coleridge and Othello. She has tons of them, I just hope that I can use something.

Just something. Anything.

I'm sure I will be able to. She's the Super-Lit-queen-person-of-the-world.

Oh yes. I don't have anything interesting to blog about. Nothing's happened so far that's really worth mentioning without any visual aids. So I shall simply blog about the reason I'm blogging right now.

It's not because Zoe's blogging. Sorry dear.

It's this other girl.

She's in the library with us. Like the only other person in the library's first floor. She's kinda annoying seeing as Zoe and I have much better things to do.

She's wierd. No wait. I'm not supposed to use wierd, it's informal. Strange, eccentric, whatever. She's wierd.

I doubt she's even from AJ in the first place, which is, come to think of it, not such a bad thing after all. Who in AJ carries around a pink, fluffy, semi-cute Baby Minnie Mouse pouch? And who uses really outdated versions of MSN Messenger in the school library? And who plays wie- strange games that involved plenty of keyboard pressing. Not button mashing. Button mashing is reserved for console games.

Keyboard pressing is plain annoying. Especially when you're trying to underline Ultra-Omega-Transformer-Beta person's Lit quotes.

Plus, she uses wierd software that makes funny noises.

Hence, I conclude, that she is NOT from AJ.

Yup. She's the reason I blogged today. So I guess that kinda makes this post dedicated to her.

I hope you find a better place to use computers, Miss Girl. I hope you'll learn how to turn down the volume too.

Oh wait. Thank you r0xOrZZ-pWn4g3-b4tTl3Ma5t3r.

i hate econs.

2006-10-03T14:23:00.000+08:00

it is too late to regret now. i took too long to realise that i have absolutely no idea what econs is about. should have taken lit. but it's too late now, and momo said regret is stupid. so er.. i may.. try to understand it after my promos are over. after all, i will need to do well for econs in A levels. but i wrote crap for the exam today.

"What are the economic policies that the Indonesian govenment might take to deal with the forest fires?"

i wrote: ".... the indonesian government can increase the number of firefighters to kep the situation under control. more firefighters would mean that there is increased probability that the fire can be contained.... "

what crap right! haha.. but it's over anyway so i don't care anymore. terrence toh's going to laugh at my script. but i'm really sorry i have no idea what the indonesian government can do.. it's not as if they can control the temperature of earth so that the forests won't burn right...

ah.. whatever.. haha. forget it.

i'm supposed to have math tomorrow and i'm in the library, feelin so bored. i'm too lazy to do anymore math.. been doing and doing math the past weeks and i'm just sick of it. i just hope i can er.. pass my math. momo's studying his lit, he's having two papers tomorrow. jiayou sweetheart!

i'm also reading this really intersting and exciting psychological thriller i found in the library. i know i shouldn't be reading now in the middle of exams... but it's really captivating. it's 'The Third Twin' by Ken Follet. twins, wonderful creations of nature.

momo doesn't know what to blog about...

continue to jiayou k people! we can do it! 3 more days till freedom! smile and be happy =)

Be Happy and Stay Happy =)

2006-09-27T12:08:00.000+08:00

Promos/A levels are around the corner and i would like to tell everyone not to stress up k!! Just be confident that you can do it, and you WILL be able to do it. =) It's a matter of how you look at it.

Someone (Finee.. must give Benson credit lahh..) told me before to treat the exams like a game, and the ultimate goal is to emerge a winner. if you succumb to the stress of it, you lose. No matter how you fair, you'll still be a winner because you've survived the exams. So the point is, don't go and commit suicide because you fear the exams and outcome of your results. Be brave, and sit through the exams. Stress will definitely be there, but always think positive. :D

you know, i've thought about it.. it doesn't really matter if i do badly for my promos. i have so many alternatives in life. as said by Ms Mani, i still have yet so many things to experience, to enjoy. eg. my first car... my first house... my first travel to an exotic country... my first BABY... my first (fill in the blanks)... yupp, so there's absolutely no reason for me to think of dying when i still have so many wonderful things to experience (with momo).

so i'm happy nowadays. learn from me. :D haha...

i really would like to thank momo for being so supportive of me. he's always there to tell me that i can do it, and we can survive the promos together. and he never fails to forget to tell me that i'm beautiful (even now when i have 2 huge pimples on my face). haha... thanks so much darling! i love you. this few days have been wonderful and i really feel the love between us. kk it's getting a little mushy... alrights, self-censorship...

haha.. yupps. i'm still feeling happy and i hope everyone around me will be happy too! i have one phrase for everyone; DISPEL ALL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS, AND SMILE!

all rights... GOOD LUCK to everyone having exams now. remember to be confident! (but must study too=) bye!

Hi At Us.

2006-08-31T21:44:00.000+08:00

Momo hopes you get it. Mozo is studying pretty hard.

2006-08-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

yesterdy was the most horrible day of my life..

i vomited 12 times in total at home and at the polyclinic. i really fely like i was gonna die.. imagine puking every 20-30 minutes. i didn't even have energy to walk or talk. i had to be pushed around in a wheelchair at the polyclinic's. i wanna say thanks to my mom. despite having stomach ache herself, she wheeled me around, up and down, the polyclinic. the thing was, the doctor's at the 2nd level, and the nurses are at the 1st level. i went up and down 3 times in total, first at the nurses', then saw the doctor, had my jab at the nurses', went back to the doctor, then went to rest at the nurses' cos i really had no energy to go home, then got reviewed by the doctor again to see if there was a need to send me to A&E. i was puking all the time.

all these, she did without any complaints. thanks mom. i still remember holing on to her hand when i had my jab, felt her pats and rubbings on my back when i puked, and her anxious questions on whether i was going to puke again.

when we got home, she got me a cup of glucose water. and i went to sleep. for a long time... then i had enough energy to eat something and i ate the porridge she cooked for me. it never tasted any better. i went back to sleep again. by that time, i've already stopped vomiting, and it was a good thing, otherwise it's A&E i go.

it's all a plan. it's all God's plan. to show me how blinded i've been to my mom's love. i still remember a few days ago, i was very fed up with her being so unreasonable and childish. i said that she didn't love me, and i said she destroyed my home by screaming and shouting everday. the two days i was sick, she didn't raise her voice at all. for once, i felt her love for me. from the time she came to my rescue when i was moaning in the toilet, (trying to vomit yet couldn't) patted my back while i was vomiting, wheeled me all around in the polyclinic, offered me her hand while i was getting the jab, cooked delicious porridge for me, even prepared porridge for me to bring to school today. for all that, i brought myself to say "thank you" to her this afternoon on my way to school. she turned and waved. i waved back. it was a moment which i couldn't put the feelings in words. thank you, mom. i wish you'd see this post. i'm sorry for all my rudeness and stubborness, i must have hurt you a lot by saying those things i said. i'm such an unfilial daughter. i'm truly sorry. i'll never be so mean to you anymore. i love you, mom.

i came to school for math and bio, but mainly math. i was greeted by momo at the bus stop, and he helped me carry my bag to school. then we went to look for jaclyn and jolene. thanks people, for all your concern yesterday! :) for once, i felt that so many people loved me, and were concerned about me. i heard shannon, xavier, ash, yipz went to sit with momo and asked him what happened to us. thanks guys! you're one bunch of people we can count on to be there for us.

oh, i forgot to tell everyone what i came down with. i had a bout of severe food poisoning. people!! don't ever go to the Han's outlet near nee soon east camp. my mom and i ate sirloin steak there and came down with food poisoning. don't ever go there. the service was extremely poor, (what service! we had to take the food to our tables ourselves) and the food tasted horrible. an extreme waste of time and money. plus the money used to see doctor. i'm never going to eat steak again, unless it's at a very established restaurant. argh. i hate han's. for all the pain you've brought me. but i need to thank you too, for letting me feel the love i've been surrounded with all these while and i didn't realise it. stupid me. haha.

but now i know. how foolish i've been. how ignorant and blinded i've been to all the love around me, especially to my mom's love for me.

thank you mom, dad, sis, momo, and friends. i love you guys. there is so much you've done for me, and there is just too much to list them down here. but i just wanna let each and every one of you know that every little thing you do, i am grateful for them. i don't ever want to lose them.

i love you mom
i love you dad
i love you sis
i love you momo
i love you, my beloved friends.
thank you for letting me feel loved.

Back in Black.

2006-08-19T13:06:00.000+08:00

I still feel kinda bad about the skin being in really dismal state. I tried to do something to it, but the whole layout of the blogskin was just so horribly icky and I was far too lazy to redo all the brushes. So, we're back. In black.

Namz, if you're reading this, then this post is for you. Thanks for wanting to read about us? Haha. You are one big bundle of joy, girl. I hope you'll do well for you Prelims and your A's and all the other whatnots. I'm not going to ask you to study hard or smart. That's silly. Just do well.

And Yips, happy belated birthday! Okay, so reinstating this blog isn't such a great present, but yeah, I'm out of money and too artistically challenged to draw you a card. So you'll just have to make do with this post then. :) I'm cheap.

Okay, let's get started then. A lot of shit has happened in the past couple of days. A few spats here and there, but nothing that would have really damaged our relationship. We're soulmates, we pick the same shampoos, shower foams, toys, and whatever else that might actually catch your eye at Junction 8. Or any other place for that matter. Arguments happen for, well, argument's sake.

But I'm sorry. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was a better boyfriend. I wish I knew how. I know you think that it's the little things that I do that count. But it doesn't change the fact that I made you cry on Wednesday, the 16th of August 2006. I will never EVER forget that date for as long as I live. I wish I could say that I would never allow myself to make you cry again, be it intentionally or unintentionally. But we both know it's impossible. I can only promise you that I'll try my best not to.

And if you do cry, they'll be tears of joy dear.

I'm the stupid one. Not you. You are the most wonderfully brilliant person in the whole cosmic universe. Okay, maybe not. You still have your flaws, but that's why I love you. It's my fault that I wasn't as direct and to the point as I was before. I just don't know what came over me that day. Call it premonition. Call it whatever you want to. I just knew that something bad was going to happen.

I know I'm being selfish. I know we've already pledged a lifetime, and more, if possible, to each other. But I want to be able to spend more time with you. Zoe, it's only been a month and 27 days, but it feels like it's been so much longer. You know how greedy I can be right? I love every second I spend with you almost as much as I love you. I wish I had more than 24 hours a day, I wish I had more than 7 days a week, I wish I had more than 31 days a month, I wish I had more than 1 lifetime to spend with you!

I'm sorry. For making you cry. If any of you reading this are angry with me right about now, then let me just say that I am far more disappointed in myself then all of you put together and multiplied hundredfold.

Something worse happened when Zoe got home that night. Her mum read her phone messages again and found out that we were still together. She was already in tears from the memories of the afternoon's events and now this had to happen. She was crying over not being able to get promoted, over the possibility of losing me. I guess she was cooped up for too long in the toilet and her mum suspected something.

I am so, so sorry for smsing you that night my sweetheart. I really feel that I'm the source of all your problems. No, I am the source of your problems. I promised you that I'd take you away from all of this, but I can't do it yet. We've still got a long way to go before I can give you the life that you've dreamt up for us. I'll do anything to make it come through. I promise.

She cried under her table. Until her dad found her and spoke to her about her mum. About how she's always been so overbearing, about how because of her, he has no friends, about how much he loves his daughter. I want to thank him for that. For doing the one thing I could not do that night. To be with Zoe when she needed me the most. To tell her that she's not alone. That someone out there still cares for her. I know it'll still be at least a year before I can thank him personally, so thank you, Mr Lim.

Zoe cried the whole night.

She came to school wearing specs because her eyes were too puffy and she couldn't see all that well. The whole day was basically spent exchanging smses with her unbelievably unreasonable mother. But that's her mum. She's like that. We can't change anything about it because that's how she is. That's how she wants to be. She's only happy when she gets her way. It doesn't matter whether or not what she happens to be doing is right or wrong. She just wants her way.

She can't be changed.

But we can't be broken up either.

We sat in the AMK library for a while. Waiting for her mum to reply to the message that I sent using Zoe's phone. About how we had a big fight because of her, and that we'd broken up for real. She didn't reply till really late. Or was it the next day? I don't know.

Zoe refused to go home until she replied. I had to accompany her on the phone until I was at my doorstep and she was nearing home. I just needed to hear the tapping of EZ-link cards, the ding-dong of the Bus Stopping sign, the opening and close of the doors, the sound of people, and the roar of the engine. Above all of that, I needed to hear her voice. I needed to know if she'd got back home safely. I can't have her spending the night in the streets. I'd kill myself before I'd ever let that happen.

She didn't speak to anyone at home that night.

Friday. She was really loving on Friday. She was ever so sweet. I simply melt when she's like that, even though I don't ever admit it. We took a bus down to Junction 8 to chill before she had to go off and see her secondary school chess instructor for the last time. We bought this pig thing for her sister, because it was her birthday as well.

She had to leave after buying it so we walked to the MRT station together. I went back to school for the "urgent StAJe meeting" and she went back for her final chess session.

I chatted with Ding Feng, who was the birthday boy and sole reason for the "urgent StAJe meeting", about Shinigamis, Zanpaktos, Bankais, Gears and crazy pirates until everyone else came. So I played my part pretty well in keeping him busy.

But I'm sorry again dear. For rushing you to come back. The look on your face when you came into the room and sat down... It really tore me up inside. It was like a million gruesome deaths flashing before my eyes. I was broken.

I held true to our promise. As much as I wanted to hit something. I didn't punch the wall at all. You stopped me dead in my tracks when you asked me if I was walking away from you again. I wasn't. I just didn't think that you wanted to see me at that time. I'm sorry I thought about leaving you. I only want the best for you. I don't want to weigh you down.

I don't think I can continue anymore. So I'll end off with a song that has really meaningful lyrics to us. I think Mervyn will smile when he sees this.

Living On A Prayer

by Bon Jovi

Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Tommy used to work on the docks
Union´s been on strike
He´s down on his luck...it´s tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says we´ve got to hold on to what we´ve got
it doesn´t make a difference
If we make it or not
We´ve got each other and that´s a lot
For love - we´ll give it a shot

Whooaaaaaa! We´re half way there
Whooooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand- we´ll make it - I swear
Whooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer

Tommy got his six string in hock
Now he´s holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, it´s tough
Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers: Baby it´s okay, someday

We´ve got to hold on to what we´ve got
it doesn´t make a difference
If we make it or not
We´ve got each other and that´s a lot
For love - we´ll give it a shot

Whooaaaaaa! We´re half way there
Whooooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand- we´ll make it - I swear
Whooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer
Livin´on a prayer

Solo

Oooooooh
We´ve got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when that´s all that you´ve got

Whooaaaaaa! We´re half way there
Whooooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we´ll make it - I swear
Whooaaaa! Livin' on a prayer

Hold on, darling. I love you.